My boyfriend's back... well he will be.

He's flying in tonight and he said he's not gonna be too tired to see me, but I told him I'm not holding my breath. I'm dropping off his garage clicker (since he doesn't have house keys lol) and leaving it for him until he comes back which is a couple hours after I'm off.


He said he wants to see me and our kitties and cuddle and watch Dexter. That sounds great to me. I've been feeling a little sociallly isolated for over a week now. I've hardly heard from my bestie because she's having emotional issues with her pregnancy and I tried to make plans with other people, but no one followed through confirming anything with me... so I spent most of the week trying to keep busy. PLUS I wasn't smoking all week OR the weekend in solidarity with the BF. It was rough, I'll tell you that much.


I got through it luckily after much crying and a weekend depressive episode.  People always question me with their eyes when I tell them I have depression because I don't fit the typical profile, but I know that's what it is because I suffer tremendously at that time and when I was younger I would have frequent episodes. Although my anxiety usually wins over my depression. I now have a set routine to maintain my depressive episodes, plus the help of good ole MJ. ;) Now though, that I've been cutting back I have felt myself experiencing more episodes.  From what I can tell I'm a high functioning depressive. Here's an article: 4 signs of high-functioning depression.  For years I wondered why I didn't fit the profile everyone else had--not being able to go to work, not being able to function in daily activities. I mean.. don't get me wrong, sometimes I do have those days, but they don't last long where they are that severe. I push myself anyway and I move past it as well as I can.


In conjunction with exercise, meditation, yoga, eating healthy and having a social support system my symptoms have definitely decreased but I still am sensitive to any changes from that routine and I can go down a very dark path where I just don't want to exist anymore. I've never seriously considered suicide because of fear, but I've wished for myself not to be here and not to be a burden to the people I love any longer... it sucks. Oh and therapy. I do online therapy. I really love my therapist. I can even make weekly appointments with her for live chat and it's so much cheaper than traditional therapy. It's nice to be able to afford help. It can be extremely pricey otherwise. Plus my anxiety makes it hard for me to talk to someone in person. I become very flustered and red faced. :/


Anyway, I'm looking forward to tonight even if I do feel slightly depressed because I know I'll be happy once I see his face because he's just such a fun person to be around and it makes me forget my worries most of the time. Just like when I talk to my bestie. Knowing you have people who support you can make such a difference in life.

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