Okay so...my therapist really loved that I told her I was back to blogging and writing in my diary as a way to get my feelings out. That's what I'm going to continue to do! I think it's hard for me because people don't always understand where I'm coming from. Being an introvert, having a very rare personality type (INTJ) especially among women, I just don't seem to "jive" with a lot of people's ideals on what is "normal" and "regular" or how people should act.
I'm a very internal person. Sure, if I'm comfortable around someone I can talk talk talk and if I'm really comfortable with you I'm not shy about saying WHATEVER is on my mind. I can be very brutally honest, but I feel like life has beaten that out of me a little bit. In my early to late 20's I felt like in my jobs I was always told "no, no, no". You have to be "outgoing", you have to be "social", you have to be, you have to be... you have to be! And honestly, it was all these expectations everyone had for me for what they thought certain people and/or positions should be. I'm not very social, unless I know you and am comfortable with you. I'm not very outgoing, unless I've met you a few times AND you make me feel at ease being me.
If I feel like someone is judging me, then no I don't let my wild little tiger out to play... lol so to speak. I'm becoming more like I used to be though. I want to be outspoken. I want to not be afraid to just tell it like it is. When did I become so god damned timid??
I think a big factor that is helping me is my current boyfriend. He's outgoing and it really helps me to be the same way. I mean I still have some acceptance to go through on my "self's" end, but I feel like I'm making strides. I guess my fear has always geared towards, "If I say something like this they'll give me a strange look." Well then fucking say it! All the better. Then they know who you are and where you're coming from. Yeah I can be quiet, but I can also be loud and very talkative. I'm tired of fear holding me back.
Not saying I'm going to run out and just be like "look at me world!" but I'll be taking some baby steps in that direction for sure. I've been wearing clothes that make me feel better, sexier, prettier, more confident. For a long while I was with a guy (6 years) who wanted me to basically hide my body from any onlooker. Which is the opposite of what my mom taught me. She taught me that if you got it flaunt it, but in a classy way. I love my mom. She also told me that one day I'll love my big ass because it will attract a guy who will love it too lol, yeah she told me that. And you know what?? My boyfriends favorite feature is... my ass! :P
It's like I learned all kinds of these lessons about being myself but I lost her over the years. I used to be feisty as hell too and then I just became subservient. I was trying to be what the object of my affection wanted me to be! No more!! I will be me, if they love me they love me. If they hate me, oh well sucks to be you. I know it's probably something within them that they aren't ready to face that they see in me. Be it something good or bad, THEY are the ones putting the negative connotation on it. Right?
Anyway, I'm talking about this while I should be eating my lunch. I had a lovely relaxing/lazy weekend with my boyfriend which we don't do all the time but I felt like I really needed it this time around. You can't always be productive, that's just exhausting. This week however, I do plan to get some more stuff done around the house. I want to go to a meditation class locally so I can meet others who share my interest and I'm going to go to the hardware store so I can pick up some paint samples to see how I want to do my spare room. I'm finally planning on painting. I'm scared, but I know if I fuck up I can do it again. I need to stop that shit...just do it. What's the worse that can happen? Doing it over again. The end.