Dear Diary

Well basically right? I don't know you, you don't know me... it's almost like I'm writing to myself. In any case, even if no one reads these I'm just glad to be able to have an anonymous way to get this shit off my chest.

 

Last night my boyfriend came over for some sexy time... but I had been all rushed and had just finished eating so I felt full and I was watching some Psych to unwind. I guess he was under the assumption since it was late it was basically a little booty call time for that day... and I knew that too but after having felt rushed and barely getting things finished by the time he got there I just needed some more time to unwind. I had already pushed it to 8pm because I knew I had things I had to do. I felt like I was accomodating him more than myself because I did have things I need to get done since tonight I have to make food for my brother's party tomorrow and still do my yoga and hopefully some more  yard work and I'd like to read today because I haven't in a few days since we were busy over the weekend.

 

I'm so used to "hopping" when a boyfriend wants to see me because I'm always the one to give more attention and so when they want that attention from me I'm like "Yes! I want this too!" even if it's inconvenient timing for me. I love him, I do, but I need to start taking care of my needs (without feeling rushed). I can't even imagine how it would be with him living with me. I'm not ready for that until I learn to put my foot down and take care of me.

 

Sinceit didn't go how he had "expected" he was all bummed then he tried to go on to say because I was "watching tv" and we didn't go lay down right away that was why he got upset when we didn't finish what we were doing in the bedroom, he spilled water and then he was like "done" since it made him pissy.

 

He left around 10:30pm and then he text me expressing his discontent and I just told him not to cry over spilled water, to an extent. I basically said "it's ok it doesn't have to go perfectly every time". He said today he's over it, so hopefully this is a learning experience for him that reality doesn't always match up with fantasy. If he lives that well he'll be disappointed constantly. 

 

I always have this fear that because he gets so unhappy about one particular event and let's it ruin his night or day or whatever that he'll leave me. Abandon me. So to speak. I know that fear is ingrained in me because of my major ex (6 yrs). He was always like that. And this boyfriend reminds me of him to an extent so it has me getting all PTSD on him lol. In any case, I know that if something was really wrong he would express it to me. He's not shy about the communicating. I love that. Ok, the end. Till next time!

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Comments (4)

  1. EZWAYZ

    Communication is the art of life and love.

    September 07, 2016
  2. mrjingles

    I’d have to question why someone get’s upset over spilled water? Seems like maybe something else is bothering him. I mean, to be frank … who calls “done” in the middle of that, over spilled water? And just one other point that bothers me … it didn’t go as he “expected” … and he was bummed BECAUSE of whatever. I gotta call bullshit on that. It’s NOT all about him. And it’s not your fault because of “whatever”. I read that as him trying to make you feel bad about things not going how HE expected. I could be wrong, but as an outsider reading this, and your previous blogs ……… he seems a bit selfish.

    Anyway … good to see you writing again.

    September 12, 2016
    1. eiai

      lol he definitely has an issue with “reactivity” to certain things and he lets it get in the way of enjoying the moment. I’ve told him. I mean sometimes, tbh, I do that kind of thing too…and I’m not always aware of it in the beginning until I look back later and think about it. You know? And no, it’s not all about him and he knows that. I think he has issues with that approach. When you have expectations you are bound to be disappointed because few things go “as planned” in life.

      He can be a bit selfish, but tbh over my ex he’s not that bad. Most people are selfish in one way or another. I swear nowadays it’s so hard to find selfless people.

      September 12, 2016
      1. mrjingles

        finding selfless people …. I won’t argue with that :/ … part of the reason I remain single I think

        September 13, 2016